102 Tips: How to relocate two red dogs and not want to chew off your own arm

I am still not sure which is more difficult to do, move humans or dogs to another country. Humans have their own issues, I admit, for example, you have to prove that the host country company truly, madly needs you and that no-one in this whole wide world can do that particular job (even if they approached you, but lest not dwell). Dogs, I have subsequently established, are a different kettle of fish all together. I never knew there were EU rules to regulate what you can and cannot do with dogs, so during trips from Madrid back to good old SA, I had the privilege of being in charge of “sorting the dogs”.

Tip one: Avoid Google. Yes, there, I have said it. Google makes you crazy. The more you read the more you are questioning why the hell you bought a dog in the first place and why oh why did you not rather buy a snake or a kimono dragon, those are easier to get into a country, I’m sure. Then, certain countries define “dangerous dogs” which you are not allowed to import. In certain places, the red dogs are defined as “dangerous”. Have you met my dogs? The only dangers you have are being licked to death, pushed over because they weigh, respectively, 45kg (the baby) and 50 kg (the old girl), being farted out of the house or that they snore louder than your husband. This of course for the record does not apply to burglars or other creepy people. You will be eaten by the red dogs.

Tip two: Go to your local Vet. Not only will you get the Evil Eye from some countrymen as to why you are leaving, but your Vet’s first questions are not “How is it going”, but rather “Will there be space for them? Who will look after them? Are you sure?”, as if I will suddenly turn into the horned, fanged monster that will hate my dogs, stuff them in a mini me crate the whole day and ignore them? Right. You are aware that I am prepared to spend the same amount that a small car costs to get them to Spain? Check. It is however important to remain calm with your Vet, especially if you read tip four.

Tip three: After you have successfully avoided a standoff with your Vet, you will get a two page document with what could in certain instances be tantamount to Greek, but which are actually “The Rules”. “The Rules” are written in specially coded language that only EU people and Vets can understand. Good luck figuring it out; I suggest you have some wine. I am sure my first university degree was easier.

Tip four: Once you understand “The Rules” (good luck), you can start the process, which involves things like blood tests, injections, chips, more blood tests, certificates from Somewhere, and then the roller coaster time periods which I still have not exactly figured out, but means that all these things are valid for a certain period of time only, otherwise they probably send your pets back to SA. Or they hand them over to the closest ready, willing and able Spaniard.

Tip five: And this is the one that proved to be the trickiest. Find a Pet Relocation Company. Once you have successfully completed tips one to four, you will have the joy of not only finding a Pet Relocation Company, but dealing with the humans working there. Now, there are a number of places who do this work. How to decide? Which is best? Who will at least treat my girls well? The questions continue and you will want to pull your hair out, but all I can say is suck it up, you want them in Spain, you have to deal with them. This also means that they charge you a fortune for checking your understanding of “The Rules”, misinterpreting the documentation, sending your in-laws in SA on a wild goose chase and literally driving you to drink. And of course they buy small cars with your money. Now very important to remember: your Vet may need to be involved in faking certain documents because when you got “The Rules”, no reference was made to the books of the dogs having to be produced. So you in your wisdom, and during the home invasion of packing your house, you packed the books into a box. Somewhere. In the 200 boxes that represents your life. And your life is in a steel container somewhere on the ocean. So you will be forced to bribe your Vet, and make him help you. Otherwise the red dogs are moving in with some Spaniard. Or staying behind with the in-laws (who would not mind but they are our girls!)

Tip six: When you go pick up your dogs from the airport, be sure to drag a good friend who can speak Spanish with you to the Cargo place, because your Spanish truly sucks, no-one speaks English and you have to find documents and produce papers that either the Airline or the Pet Relocation Company lost. Also, you have to deal with the State Vet, who also gives you the Evil Eye (in Spanish) because Someone lost the original documents of the dogs. In light of the fact that you have not yet seen your dogs, it wasn’t you, but these guys come from the Spanish Inquisition. You will admit to almost anything.

Tip seven: When you eventually locate the original documents the Airline lost (not really, it was stuck on one of the two crates but you know, it is so much work to check both crates), you will have to go back to the State Vet and give the documents to him. Of course you forgot about the original documents, so technically you are two months late give or take and will probably get a fine. This would not be a problem if the State Vet was there and you were not forced to fend for yourself (without your Spanish speaking friend) with six Spaniards standing around you, wanting to desperately understand your Spanglish, to such an extent that when the State Vet does eventually arrive, you want to fall to the floor and kiss his feet, because he can speak ten words of English.

And so, the red dogs arrive. Joy all around. Of course the Cargo guys are so friendly, they let you figure out how the hell to open the darn crates facing a brick wall. Thanks. Tails are waging, the red dogs jump into the back of the dusty car, and off we go.

The conclusion I have reached is yes, it’s absolutely worth it to have the red dogs here, I am glad we spent a small fortune on getting them here, and I thank the Dog Relocation Gods that the girls were not in quarantine. But relocating them? Great for the red dogs, insane for the humans slaves.